Fear and Faith

It's been longer than usual since I posted because we had company over the weekend. My brother's family came to visit for several days, and I had some much-needed time with "my people". I guess I shouldn't complain when I get homesick. At least I have people I love (and like!) enough to get homesick FOR, right?

There have been a few things circling in my head for the past week or two. One in particular centers around this quote in The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie: "To be who we are means we accept our physical selves, as well as our mental, emotional, and spiritual selves, for now... Being who we are, loving and accepting ourselves, is not a limiting attitude. Accepting and loving ourselves is how we enable growth and change."

I have had a difficult time with the seeming paradox of this concept. On the one hand, if I accept and love myself exactly the way I am right now, what is to say that I will ever be motivated to improve? There's a significant part of me that is afraid that loving and accepting myself as I am right now means I will be sentenced to an unchanging existence that is full of exactly the same struggles and imperfections I currently have.  Yet the author is telling me that this is simply not true. She is saying that this is the path to healthy growth in our lives physically, spiritually, and emotionally.

I discussed this concept with my sister-in-law while they were visiting. She reminded me of this quote from a recent General Conference talk by Elder Russell M. Nelson: "Your yearnings to grow and change come from a divinely instilled striving for eternal progression."

My first response was a frustrated one. "So I'm supposed to just believe that if I accept myself 'as-is' then I'm going to be motivated to improve? I'm afraid it won't happen, and I don't know how to change that!"

As soon as I said it, I realized I did know the answer: fear and faith cannot coexist. I can choose to live a life of fear that things will never get better if I accept who I am right now... OR... or what?

I knew I needed to build my faith if I were going to be able to make the shift, so I went looking for more talks from church leaders that address this issue of fear and faith. I found an excellent talk given by Elder Neil L. Anderson (full text here) called "You Know Enough". In it he uttered these profound words:

"Faith is not only a feeling; it is a decision."

He goes on to say, "Challenges, difficulties, questions, doubts—these are part of our mortality. But we are not alone. As disciples of the Lord Jesus Christ, we have enormous spiritual reservoirs of light and truth available to us. Fear and faith cannot coexist in our hearts at the same time. In our days of difficulty, we choose the road of faith. Jesus said, 'Be not afraid, only believe.' (Mark 5:36)"

I believe in Christ. I know He has blessed me and my family with very specific, needed things. I know he has guided and directed my life when I have struggled with big decisions. So why is it that I am having such a hard time believing that He will not abandon or condemn me if I let go of the fear of failure that dominates my life. This fear is not a motivating force for me to change. It's an inhibitor that discourages me when I am faced with my weakness. Yet despite it all I am clinging to fear because it's comfortable. It's what I know.

No more. I am choosing to let go of my fear.  I am choosing to accept myself as I am right now, warts and all. I envision myself standing on my well-worn path, and I see a road branching off to the right. Do I have the faith to take a different road? When I catch myself judging and criticizing what I do and don't do, will I make a conscious decision take the negative words out of my mind and replace them with words of kindness, of acceptance, and love?

Yes, I will walk by faith.