Beginning Again

My "after" picture
6 1/2 years ago

Once upon a time I was physically healthy. Although I had been morbidly obese for years, a good friend of mine offered to be my lifestyle coach. Over the next year I lost over 100 pounds. For the first time in my adult life, I wasn't shopping in the plus size section. I was strong, I was a runner, and I felt like my life had unfolded before me.

But it didn't last. Two children and four years later, I had regained that hundred pounds - plus forty. I tried to motivate myself by reading my old journals, and I was shocked at what I saw there. Unbeknownst to everyone - including my friend/coach - I had criticized myself in private the entire time I was losing weight. Every time I wrote in my journal, it wasn't to give an update on my progress, it was to berate myself for making a mistake and going "off plan". While my friends and associates considered me "the incredible shrinking woman", inside I felt like a failure and like my success was a fraud. And so I spent the next two years afraid to try again. Afraid of failure, afraid of success, and feeling trapped by my fears.

This past year has been an incredible emotional journey for me. I started participating in a weekly study group for Co-Dependents Anonymous (CoDA). I didn't know whether I was co-dependent when I started, but I had recognized many unhealthy behavior patterns in myself that were mentioned in the CoDA literature. (Click here for the list I'm talking about.) After about 9 months in CoDA, I realized I needed more help, and I began seeing a counselor back in August. Without going into the details, let me just say that I have been able to do more healing in the last 12 months of my life than I had in the previous 30+ years. I am so grateful for the people that have been brought into my circle - both throughout my life and recently - that have helped me heal from some very painful childhood experiences. Through their help and the Lord's strength I have been able to come to a place where I am ready to love myself.

And so begins the next phase of my journey. I am ready to begin again. But this time, I am not focusing just on physical health. Because of my personal history, I will only see permanent change if I focus on three specific areas:

Spiritual Nourishment

Emotional Nourishment (i.e. my relationships with others)

Physical Nourishment

This blog will give me a place to share my hopes, my inspiration, my progress, and anything else that I feel like sharing that relates to nourishing myself. It is a personal journey, and therefore not really something I want to put on our family's webpage.

As I came up with the title of this post, the following poem came to mind.

The Land of Beginning Again

by Louisa Fletcher

I wish that there were some wonderful place

In the Land of Beginning Again.

Where all our mistakes and all our heartaches

And all of our poor selfish grief

Could be dropped like a shabby old coat at the door

and never put on again.

I wish we could come on it all unaware,

Like the hunter who finds a lost trail;

And I wish that the one whom our blindness had done

The greatest injustice of all

Could be there at the gates

like an old friend that waits

For the comrade he's gladdest to hail.

We would find all the things we intended to do

But forgot, and remembered too late,

Little praises unspoken, little promises broken,

And all the thousand and one

Little duties neglected that might have perfected

The day for one less fortunate.

It wouldn't be possible not to be kind

In the Land of Beginning Again,

And the ones we misjudged

and the ones whom we grudged

their moments of victory here,

Would find in the grasp of our loving hand-clasp

More than penitent lips could explain...

So I wish that there were some wonderful place

Called the Land of Beginning Again,

Where all our mistakes and all our heartaches,

And all of our poor selfish grief

Could be dropped like a shabby old coat at the door

And never put on again.

Though it is not possible to start life over and undo all of my past mistakes, I believe in grace that comes through Jesus Christ. All the therapy in the world can only take me so far. Without Him, I am broken. With Him, I can progress and change and become something better than I was before. 

"And all [my] mistakes and all [my] heartaches, 

[Can] be dropped like a shabby old coat at the door

And never put on again."