Saying Goodbye to the Checklist

About halfway through last week, my anxiety started to grow. And grow. And grow. 

I had set myself several objectives last week that I was supposed to accomplish each day that would help me achieve my long-term vision of nourishing my body and spirit. I thought with the system I had in place, I would be much more inclined to succeed and feel less pressure.

Umm... no.

Apparently, I need some coaching in what realistic success looks like. I talked with my counselor, Amy, today about the whole thing. She pointed out that success is improvement over a period or time, not just on a daily basis.  For example, one of my commitments last week was to be in bed with lights out by 10:30 p.m. All it took was one night of stress where I chose to goof off on the computer until 11:30 instead of sleep, and my week was shot. I lost focus and didn't follow through with my system for the rest of the week. As Sunday rolled around again, I felt like I had failed, despite the fact that I actually did go to bed early several nights last week. That's not reality.

I think the problem comes down to this: I can't use a checklist to change my life.

I love to have a checklist. A checklist makes me feel like I am accomplishing something, and like I am in control of my life. Prayers? Check! Exercise? Check! Read to the kids? Check! Drink water? Check! Check!

Unfortunately, most of our daily activities don't fit (and shouldn't be) on a checklist. A checklist might help me read to my kids once a day, but what about sincere, unscripted conversation with them? Which one means more? I might read my scriptures, but do I "feast on the word of God"? While a checklist can serve a good purpose for managing household tasks, that which is most precious, most valuable to me in my life cannot be quantified by a checklist. 

How does this relate to my desires to nourish myself? Living by a checklist also doesn't allow for my personal needs to be met. Needs are not always constant. There are days I need rest more than I need exercise. Or perhaps I need special time with Ben more than I need to go to bed early. How can I nourish myself if I am not in tune with what I need? 

It's simple. I can't.

So I'm going to throw out my list of what I think I should be doing. Right now, I need to learn how to be. 

I am not changing my long-term vision of living a life of spiritual, physical, and emotional nourishment. But I am throwing away the checklist and discarding the system I put in place last week. Instead of trying to go from 0 to 60 in a day, I'm getting out of the car and learning to walk.