Risk-Taking

A couple of months ago I decided to take an emotional risk that was outside of my comfort zone. I am going to be part of a choral production this spring, and I decided to audition for a solo. I spent a number of weeks learning the songs and singing along with the CD in the car every chance I had. Tryouts were a couple of weeks ago, and although I was struggling with my voice I felt like I got good feedback from the people holding the auditions. I nervously awaited the results.

I didn't get it.

I didn't get a major solo, OR any of the minor solos. I wasn't asked to be the narrator. I got... nothing.

I was surprised by my reaction when the casting list came out. I was devastated. I admit that I cried for a while in private. I even got a little weepy after I left the first rehearsal. In fact, I'm still emotional about it as I type this blog post.

Why has this been so difficult for me?

I think it all comes down to one thing: validation.

The need I have for someone else to validate my worth is much stronger than I ever suspected. One of the reasons I love the General Relief Society Meeting every fall is because without fail there is always one or more speakers telling me that I am special to my Father in Heaven, and when they tell me I can feel it. 

I will never forget how I felt when President Uchtdorf gave his "Forget Me Not" talk in 2011. It was balm to my soul when he said, "Sisters, wherever you are, whatever your circumstances may be, you are not forgotten. No matter how dark your days may seem, no matter how insignificant you may feel, no matter how overshadowed you think you may be, your Heavenly Father has not forgotten you. In fact, He loves you with an infinite love."

In my mind, I understand that my value does not lie in my talents or abilities or what I can give others. My value lies in the simple fact that I exist. I can see the proof every time I hold a newborn baby. They have nothing to offer me. They have nothing apparent to offer, and yet they are so precious. I can feel it. The worth of my soul has not changed in the last 37 1/2 years. It was infinite to begin with, and it has not decreased. Neither has yours. We are all equally precious.

If I can capture this feeling in my heart for a moment, then it doesn't seem to matter so much that I didn't get a solo. My pride isn't as tender, and my feelings aren't as bruised. As a nourish my spirituality, I can feel closer to the Lord and receive His validation. 

And maybe... just maybe...I can take another risk someday.