Purpose

Last week I wasn't feeling well. Perhaps it was allergies or a touch of something viral, but Tuesday night found me in bed a little after 8 p.m. trying to catch some ZZ's. Unfortunately, the Sandman wasn't doing me any favors. It's hard to stay asleep with a dry, rasping cough. After about an hour or so of tossing and turning in bed and drifting in and out of sleep, had an epiphany.

I need purpose.

It's not as if I am wasting my days. I know that I (specifically) am engaged in the important endeavor or rearing and caring for children - my own and a couple of bonus kids from time to time. I am aware of the importance of my efforts towards keeping our home running smoothly. I am the meal planner, shopping list maker, chore organizer, regular tidy-upper, and do-it-yourself queen. I also (along with my partner in crime, Ben) spend hours each week helping with homework, cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, shopping, disciplining, playing, entertaining, guiding, and caring for our kids and our home. And although this is not the only worthwhile thing anyone could possibly be doing with their lives at any given moment, this is where we are in our lives right now. The tasks I spend most of my time doing really are among the most important things for me at this time in my life.

But.

I still need purpose.
I need goals.
I need to be working for something. 
I need to feel like I am accomplishing something that is measurable.

This is probably one of the biggest things I miss from having a full-time job. I thrived on deadlines projects and structure and organizing. With parenting there are few deadlines. There are mostly just transitions into different phases. The only way I get a feeling of accomplishment these days is when I figure out how to sew sleeves on my daughter's Halloween costume, fix a toilet, or remodel the bathroom. And not one of those things are just for me.

Once I realized this, I asked myself what I wanted.

"I want to create something beautiful."

That's what I wrote in my journal. Then I wrote down a few goals. Interestingly enough, I only remember the first one. And that one goal I have been keeping up with all week. It isn't about creating anything, either. It's about nourishing my spirit. And I have been doing it. It wasn't appealing at first; I would have to make myself do it each day. But now... now I love it.

And finally, a week later, I finally have the desire to set another goal. In this goal, I will be nourishing my body. I expect I'll have to make myself do it at first. That's okay. Eventually I will love this, too.

I find it interesting that my desire to create led me to nourish myself first. It's hard to grow a healthy garden when your soil is barren and rocky. Perhaps the same principle is at work here. I will work on making the good stuff a part of me for now and not try to rush anything.

I can't wait to see what comes next.