Owning It

It's time for me to start writing again. I'm not sure exactly what has taken me so long. At first I didn't have anything profound to say, and then I was doing other things, and then I was distracted. But what it comes down to is this:

I don't want to hide any more. 

It is exhausting to think that I always need to put on a certain face or show a certain amount of progress or think a certain way. And although I started this blog to help me learn how to nourish myself, I'm not going to be good at it all the time. And that's okay. 

No, really. It's OKAY.

A couple of months ago I was praying about how to improve my health and why - even after taking the baby steps recommended by my friend - I was still feeling overwhelmed and trapped by my health goals. I realized that I had chosen to place the responsibility for my health on someone else, and so in my mind I was trapped by the rules and restrictions I had been given. Interestingly enough, she had never asked for it. She probably didn't even realize I had absolved myself of responsibility, any more than I was aware of it before then. With that in mind, I decided to stop working with a coach at all for now. At this point, I need to work on just "owning" it.

What does it mean to "own it"? 

When I "own" something, I acknowledge that it belongs to me. It goes way beyond just my physical health, too. It applies to my emotional health and relationships as well. Although I can't control what others do, I am able to decide whether to take quiet time for myself, exercise, make healthy eating choices, or do things for others that I really don't want to do. Here are a few examples:

• I haven't really exercised lately. Sure, I'm busy, but I have wasted a fair share of time. If I had wanted to do it, I could have. I'll own it.
• I few years ago I was hurt by some things I heard a friend had said. I chose to walk away from the relationship without trying to clear it up with her first. Looking back, I realized that much of the information was third-hand. It was easier for me to walk away than it was for me to risk my heart even further by approaching her about it. It was my problem, not hers. I'll own it.
• I choose to eat the frozen pizza for lunch with my kids rather than make a sandwich or eat a salad. My choice, not theirs. I'll own it.
• My family hasn't been doing a great job at reading scriptures together lately. It's easier to just let them watch TV at night, and I just want a few extra minutes of sleep in the morning. Although I'm not the only one who can be trying to get this done, I am one of the people letting it get overlooked. I'll own it.

What it all comes down to is this: I am going to take responsibility for my own life or not? If the answer is YES, then there are a few things I need to make sure I'm doing:

1) Live deliberately. I need to make goals and then work to achieve them. If my life doesn't look the way I want it to look, I need to identify what I'd like to have change. Although I can't control everything and everyone in my life, there is much that I can impact by making good and better choices. I can't just expect things to happen the way I want them to because I wish it to be that way. I have to work it to be that way.

2) Live authentically. Honesty and forthrightness are two attributes I value highly in myself and others. Although I try to be open and honest about most things in my life, I still find myself trying to cover up personal habits that I am ashamed of. That needs to stop. If I catch myself trying to hide something, it should send off alarm bells and I need to immediately work on changing or at least "owning" that behavior. 

Another way of being "inauthentic" is not acknowledging my honest feelings. Too often when I am hurt or scared I shove those negative feelings away and try to pretend that they don't exist. I recently recognized that I was exhibiting avoidance behavior. I knew I was upset about something, but I didn't want to look at it too closely. As a result, I began making poor choices in my sleep and eating habits. I wasn't able to break the cycle until I admitted to myself that I was struggling with something emotionally and determining what that was.

3) Live joyfully. It is not enough to survive life. Joy can be found in even the most dire circumstances, and my situation is no where near hard enough use that excuse.

Hopefully I will be able to implement these more and more often into my life until they become habit. But as I take this journey, I must remember to be gentle with myself. It's okay that I am not exactly where I want to be. When it comes down to it, who is? Life is almost always three steps forward and two steps back, but in the end I will get where I am going. 

Eventually.