When we bought a new-to-us minivan a couple of years ago, it happened to have a DVD player in it. Since then, I have listened to a half-dozen different movies more times than I'd like to count.
The interesting thing about playing movies that I can't actually see, is that I really listen to the dialogue of the characters. Since Maddox went through a "robot" obsession last year, one of the movies I have listened to a lot is WALL-E. Surprisingly, this mediocre Pixar film (with minimal dialogue) has one of the best movie lines ever, and it's uttered by this guy, right here:
This is the captain of the Axiom. He is in a heated argument with "Auto", the ship's auto-pilot computer-robot-thingie. The Captain is telling Auto that the people on the ship need to return to Earth. Auto's argument is that they must stay on the Axiom so they will survive. That's when captain delivers this line:
"I don't want to survive; I want to live!"
That's exactly how I have felt for months. I am so used to being in survival mode, but that's not where we experience JOY, is it? Surviving is about not letting problems and anxiety and stress and guilt and shame and dissatisfaction drown us and making it to the next task on our list. Learning to live my life is a huge step for me, and it's sometimes hard to know how to get started.
One of the reasons I haven't posted in the past few weeks is because a dear friend of mine lost her 4-year old son in a tragic accident at her home. No one was being careless or doing anything wrong. Something unexpected broke, and people fell; and at the end of the day, this sweet little boy had returned home to Heavenly Father. Being there for my friend in her grief has strengthened my resolve to enjoy my life and my children while I still have them.
Today I am choosing to be present in my life. I will not be distracted by the future or the past. I live in the NOW. I am making better health choices so that I can enjoy things like hiking and camping and being outdoors with the family. I choose to be aware when I feel discomfort and stress. This helps me figure out what is causing it so I can act appropriately to get emotionally and spiritually balanced again. I am aware of my weakness and dependence on God, but I am also aware that He loves me exactly the way I am.
Today I met with my counselor for (maybe) the last time. We both felt like I was ready to "graduate". But this isn't the end of my personal growth; it's the beginning.
Life isn't done with me yet.
And I am not done with it.
You inspire me, Anita.
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